i dont think anymore, they have gotten to me i am brain washed.
and walking in my sleep.

scenery

i havent been here in a while...i feel like a stranger

you will die alone

and it is okay
there isnt much you'll miss out on,
except for sharing your happiness with someone.
and it feels empty.
but we are all different. im not sure i need any filling.
you were always a pie kind of girl.
if only you knew..i say it a alot, but seriously
how unattractive you are and how easily i tell myself it will be leaving you
i think im going to go out with style, and just dissappear.
and something in you will always tell you im coming back
heres the best part,
i wont
alone in the deep woods with nothing by my side except nature
it will happen, and you will be blind sided.
you're jealousy will be my bath water
and it will be the perfect temperature, the one that never gets uncomfortable.
i could publish a book about you.
and you just keep swinging.
maybe i will kill you one day, and then be forced to live a vagabond lifestyle,
it would make a good story.
and an even better song

us young souls

we dont know what were doing, or even where we are going.
but dammnnn it feels good,
like taking one on the head or getting a good morning work out, and i dont mean running
we will forever be different, i think im starting to become more and more cool with it
but, with the territory of acceptance comes personal choice.
ohhhh and you still dont get it,
i told you i dont think like most people
id rather disguise my message and leave you baffled at all the big words i did not use.
so live on and die, because thats what old things do,
and us new people will continue on our long path that is just begining.
guess what else i will give thanks for,
being unable to communicate with spirits, thats just to cool for me, and i was always just talk..
but you bought it from the best salesman in the world..and to think i cared.


i knew you had to have the last word, you're old

...and nothing but the truth

i tell you and myself how much i cant live without you,
and then you open your mouth
the only thing thats comes to my mind is doubt.
i will be happy with or without you
i will be successful with or without you.
so next time i think to myself
or tell you how much i love you
just stay quiet because i will probably take back my kind words or praise.
and yes, this is for real, im not just mad.
its time to take back what is yours
partying and high school
who would want to let go of such infamous times
and we all know how much you hate that,
and the truth.

this is where it gets tricky

so hold your breath
i will keep quite while you look through this house
to your surprise i had vacated before you even knew.
my mind is in no state to write
i cant hold my attention to one topic, person or idea
and yes, you have offended me, and no there will be no review
this offense will not go unnoticed.
maybe by you
you're afraid to say what you are
why can't you just be happy???
and why can't i keep a thought???
my best side is your wrong side of the bed.
and you dont sleep well
cant decide are you positive
dont you understand the severity of this situation
just so you know,
someone is dying.


dependent
pathetic
listless
authority
now its all coming to the front




prayers dont work!
well here i go playing my fiddle for you
your minstrel



useless efforts resulting in salty wounds
this is so hard

i hate this and what it has done to me
i hate myself and how little i care
lack is the word of the day
and to lack is to be young

we wont stand for intrusions
and im not so sure
you're next

live your life before i end it
and i dont mean murder

electronic cleansing..

you are being deleted from my electronic memory
no more pictures, poems, or past times..
swept away like that
the delete button is more powerful than i thought,
now i just need one in my soul.

crying wolf

i know the meaning all too well.
well this is where my crying turns into actions, all piled on you at once.
this changes everything and you will see it someday..
you thought it couldnt get any worse...
atleast you have your family
tell them of my selfishness and audacity
they already know, i wear it on my sleeve.
how so?
you'll see, the changes are already in motion..
full speed ahead, and no looking back..

carly

the ocean always wins

the seagulls overhead..circling like vultures
this armada is doomed
under the captain i shall perish without mention
yes i know you can...
the look on a mans face after being starved to insanity.
trade winds hold scents of peril
i should not be alive..sailors infamie

i love you

you need to leave right now..

i love this arrangement i have with myself...
i get high, bitch about whats wrong with the world and everyone else but me,
and then hope people listen..
that's a winning solution, let me tell you.
to all the people who do not read my material...
if only i could force my words on you like the words of my education were forced on me..
when will i see my poetic justice?
what a waste of time..it takes a stoned thought to realize the storm you're brewing in your head.
pestilence
time
what an elixir..
no eternal reward will save us for wasting the dawn...
why can't those be my words..

i know we could
smiles that turn into cages....what do they confine?
only a shadow occupies the space behind the teeth acting as cold metal bars
dark and empty, intangible, but the presence is felt.

think outside the box?
tell you wicked lies..
pale skin coating a listless soul..
i have to see you again and again
chase me to Neptune and veer right....
ill be right there waiting


watch as i cast you out to the universal pond

commit facebook suicide

you didn't approve

life is good isnt it......huge smiles, and nicotine stained teeth.
staying with the phrase cool has never been so easy...
your blue eyes stir so much resent and wonder,
who was i? and who was i becoming
you did me a favor disguised in heart break.
teen angst heart break....
i couldnt imagine actually having you then losing you....
or just losing my mind...
you are way to far off my radar to fly next too.
see in you
what i wanted in myself
direction, purpose, meaning...
you were my direction, purpose and meaning
how many other ways could i have shown you i am real....
you can grab my clamey hand and feel my pulse...
is that was scares you.
a person with something inside, to which you measure your abilities...
WHY DO I STILL THINK OF YOU
i guess this if life...
reviewing what we had, not what is in front of us...
because what i have is love,
no matter what the hundred different people inside me say
"you can do better"
what is better, and how do you do it?
today i have love
maybe not all directed at one person or object
but scattered throughout the valleys of my excistence
so today i will be greatful for that!

lonely for life

tehe

ill teach you to laugh at something thats funny
Is it funny or is it just right?
you can be right, or you can be happy
in your case happiness is being right
but what do you want
ha ha...ha ha
you're right i am arrogant and selfish...
sorry...but so is everybody....
its those who choose to let that person flourish who ultimately lose.
you smiled...im off the hook...
expression is evidence in your trial...
guilty as charged.
Lets read that letter i wrote you now,
oh my god, he really does love me...
too bad he is imaginary
this is why we should hate kids
this is the crisis we have been warned about.

missle test

living in your dreams

and not living your dreams.

there is a difference, to those who care to see...
you can say it is right, but the fool is yourself.
every decible that climbs through my ear canal
shows me the fine print in this contract i signed
this never ending debt i owe,
will my shoulders ever loosen up
it is weird when the imaginary weight on your shoulders
takes form and sets up shop.
constantly strained until the blood cannot pass.

after i fall to my knees,
give me the courtesy of a quick death

then on to the next..

you can speak for me,
can i not do the same for you?


here is what i would say..

im scared, and alone...please help me

fear masters

you are your fear, and you are your rage
and i dont have to
force my hand along with yours and find what you're afraid of.
sitting in your favorite spot,
drinking out of your favorite glass..
you can't hide
but you can yell
as loud as you fucking please
and what strikes me the most
is how i can't hear you anymore
i am deaf to your screams
you have cried wolf.....a lot..
but keep it up, the louder you yell,
the more i understand?
sure, you're always right anyway.

psychologicccccccccccccccccccc

the ads by what i write are for bringing stability to your life
i guess by what i write it looks like things are falling from the sky
oh things are falling but this balancing act is not that hard
you tell yourself it is
but we are out worst critics
oh well, stay where you are,
isn't that the key to being found? just stay where you are
hmmmm....
who is looking for you?

turn on the brights

have you been blinded by the light
i was, and it was bright...
so i put on my sunglasses.....

what?

behind the forest is where your answer lies
go on..its okay...a little dark and creepy...but okay..
this collapse was foretold..but not warned..
how am i supposed to know what will hurt?
if they have breasts...
it will hurt.

this is

what is this? where did it go? and how?





don't think this is easy for me, you are not alone
now you are .
just like that

why is blame the first thing to be argued over?

blame is an excuse for hiding what you really feel

...what flows through your heart and soul

just say it hurts and i will stop...

the podium is changing


priiiideeee
oh pride..

it's so worth it

lonesome crowded west.

just got a little less crowded

why does it hurt all over?

in every cell and pathway of my vessel

it wasn't supposed to end this way..

plans..
ha

spontaneity is the only way to live your life..
goodbye, i am off to venture the world alone.


somehow, it goes on...even though my feelings do not assure my grasping hands..
clammy and cold, they search frantically for signs of life,
but what is life though hands eyes?
touch cannot be replaced, only mimicked

this opening will never close.
only to be covered with boulders and rocks,..


so this is what jesus felt like....or didn't...
no...he didn't.... inanimate objects don't feel.

atleast this reassures me i am alive.....

if only they could be honest

you are always right

just as this font is black

lessons take time
unless you're in a car crash

then its just kind of in your face

karma comes in all shapes and colors

who will bring it to the leaders of this 'free' world.

if only people would come to your aid when it counts.

cycle people through your life like a deck of cards...

george bush is related to the queen of england....

open your eyes
they are winning
you are a pawn
take back your head, or whats left
alcohol is a tool used to keep us happy and oblivious

drugs are population control

our food is population control

think with your whole brain

6 billion to 500 million

africa is proof, america is proof,

YOU ARE PROOF

wine me, dine me, show me the town

dont worry dear, someone will one day
i have never felt so disconnected from you, everything in me says dont do it,
dont sign away your life....
maybe now is the time to go far away
what is here for me anyway,
who is here for me more like it.
not you
im not your type, realize this.
is incapabilities even a word? i guess so.
well you win, ill take what ever is coming my way..
its funny how those things work,
when you feel it the most, you are completely blind,
making yourself believe what you desire so bad.
this is bad
what happened to giving a moose a muffin.
that died fast.............
time to work towards a respectable departure.....
where the fuck did this come from...
wine me
dine me,
best of all, you dont have to do any work.
monogomy is so yesterday i guess....
i am daunting, and you are not
live tv right in front on your eyes. your own movie, starring you and i
where eventually the joke is on me...but this is a comedy, alls well that ends well.....
im not done with you.

social materialism

networking has lost its purpose, and turned more competitive
i drank like 39 beers last night
BEFORE THE PARTY
look at pictures,
they tell you more about a person than you'd really like to know.
their insecurities shine through the googoley eyes and drunken smirks
but as long as you find it cool
who was to be present and conscious anyway.
fuck that
there is no competition to show who has the coolest life.
my herb is home grown and my acid was never touched.
yeah well i drink everyday.....



the end justifies the means

you're mean
but i am happy
how much more money can you spend before that is your destination.
i hope you can take all of your cool possession with you underground.

why leave when you can see the world on TV or online.
im taking a journey, but im not leaving my living room.... :)


the town is flooded, everyone glows a certain shade, and smiles a little bigger...
nature is appreciated a lot more
but then just as quickly forgotten 12 hours later




ocean beach california
here
i come

write more,
pick up your tired head and type on.
theres people to be informed.
sit on the crescent of the moon,
gathering ideas for plays and stories,
as you gaze, watching us self destruct.
if you have the answer why do you conceal it
behind thick lies and ugly tales it resides...
foolish you are, for nothing stays unknown.

AHP

i have a friend who once said with a smile,
'i just battled the sun set'...
you have to be weird to know..
have you ever watched the day be overwhelmed by the night?
ill tell you the ending, the stars win.
but the moon runs a dictatorship.
Have you ever battled the beach?
the tide alllways wins.
ask the sea who lives in blacks beach.
anyway what im getting at
is
if you are born weird,
take advantage of it,
people are jealous of you.

i see you

i feel you
when i walk through the land the earth speaks to me.
swimming in the ocean, the water runs through my veins.
in the air i breathe, the life fills my lungs.
to know and not be able to grasp.....
i know you're there.
the warm glow of your body heat
silouhetted against the full moon
dance with my through the feilds as the clock starts over again
we create our own existence far from the corporate lands.
towering shadows cascading over us as we rejoice
next to the fire that fuels our spiritual conciousness
expose your raw emotions to the wolves that hide in the shadows.
they're out there but you are safe in the circle
in my arms you are safe my love.

When the life comes we resort to our devices,
your soft skin soaks up the living rays of the sun.
for hours we lie, watching the sun patrol the skies,
witnessing the clouds racing each other to unknown destinations.
the light passes over us and recharges the love
that is to be made under the stars,
inside the crystal blue waterfall.
and along the misty shores of the awakening oceans.


as our days race by us, we notice little.
our love has taken over our thoughts and dreams.
there is nothing else but you and i
two beings in harmony with their surroundings
age becomes meaningless....
a label,
a constant reminder of the length of time this beauty has lasted.

each day is met with warmth and excitment
and left with a sense of sadness..
for everyday is a day to cherish
turn your incredible dreams into the stories they desire to become..

god

this is a poem to my cat squeak.

an ode to squeak

it is amazing how much i have learned from you.
it is possible to be fat and happy, all the while demanding it.
so that is your secret ehy?
if you want attention, don't give them a choice.
every lap,
every brush.
a constant vibrating ball of fur
fat and happy.
you hold the truth to the statement,
if you want something, ask...
if it doesn't work,
try 39 more times....
you are the only cat
who would lay near me when i am playing the drums
and when i asked you how i played
would respond...mas!
my spanish speaking fat ass
as well as showing me how to be truly happy,
you have shown me that love still exists.

bleeding the thoughts

losing your thoughts without control.
hemophiliac
unable to stop the flow of ideas right or wrong
think too much and you will die
feel your decisions in your insides
less is more

let your thoughts take you to the outer perimeter
where you can observe other fluttering ideas
waiting to be snatched like butterflies in a childs net.
floating like clouds with no direction or mass
now see that god is everywhere

look at your hands, they're more than you see..
the texture, every ridge
the warmth, the personality
touch the earth
she is our mother
unconditionally loving
the children who can't get it right
we all sleep walk through life
but our consciousness knows better
why can't we hear what is necessary for prosperity


you are amazing
now convince yourself you are what you see....
take back your mind and love your unconscious
let it be your way, it is less cloudy.
the world is a stage
put yourself in the center

from me to you

if i tried half as hard in life as i do in keeping this fucking relationship going



i wouldnt be here
under your watchful eye

you never know, one day i could be that one who just disappears.


empty threats

but you're filling them
with motivation and reasons....

ha
ha ha
it feels so normal to just dislike you
and all the shit you believe in


keep your day job beautiful

you have sabotaged this construction site....

this is bull shit

you know everything you say has the odor of shit to it?
its pretty unplesant, enough to make me not come around
say one thing, do another.
no wonder where i get it?
theres not way i can cure myself of this ailment
with you in the driver seat.
gross
quit smoking while you're friends throw it at you
that is what you are to me
the stale smell of nicotine burning.
you are so non shalant,
SO FUCKING COOL
well guess what,
it will come around to you, you ignorant child.
read this knowing its about you
but listen to that self conscious voice you call your guide
its not about you...
never has been.
ive said this a million times before,
but ill reassure myself again,
you will never learn.
let me learn for you, this new sense of independence.
doesnt sound so bad anymore,
"just leave me!!" take your own fucking advice
time doesnt heal what you lack
time doesnt help how you just dont get it
I will not be a slave to time
im taking my life back .......

salt and blood

you cant stay sad all the time, life is too bright.
nothing can honestly stand in someone's way.
you stand in your own way
or its me
or its both
i hope this makes no sense to you
can you honestly say you relate to what im thinking?
good
because i cant
take me back to the 50's
balsa boards and 2 girls for every boy.
i will prosper
without prosperity
i will



lay me down
in a bed of roses


walk dont run


wipeout

find your solution while searching for answers
love will find you in your depths
and fuck you
to
the
core

you cant hide baby





in bed at the hopsital

living without water

can you hear that?
i think it's coming from you
no wait...
that is you....its your voice....
can you not hear that?????
its fucking coming from you!!!!!!!
how on earth did you lose touch with yourself?
you have silenced your own conscience?
how proud you must be!
dont be sad, you were only following what you were taught.

now it sets it

why do i agree to this idea?
noone ever reads my journals, theyre too filled with hate.
a big open wound for people to gawk at
wondering how fucked up i must be to think of these ideas.
why does anger come to mind when a pen is to paper
i have gone against my personal respect
that i thought i had for myself.
type type type type type
where is the expression through typing?
go back to hiding your thoughts for yourself only.
this diary has no roof, no comfort or privacy
all the walls are glass.
and the fire is machine operated.
what happened to life?
who is so powerful that can remove the feeling of satisfaction
out of a person gasping for something new?
a species of animals that can contain others.
mankind is a curse upon these lands
what if i didn't want to be here?
what if my spirit does not belong to my body?

spoonfull of sugar...

it is quite a wonder how everything we hold dear can disappear in a flash.
some would say hold nothing close so nothing can be taken away
and i say.......why not?
if you have nothing, you've got nothing to lose.
why are material objects the hardest to let go of?
how do people not value their lives and the state of others as much as their time?
time hates you and will kill you
make time for yourself or make time to better someones situation.
go ahead and waste your precious time filling your head
one mans trash is anothers garbage
what will your judges say when you ask to be let in?
get on your knees and grovel
or
go have another drink...
drown in your self pity
and time will hold your head under.


try to hold in your laughter as you enjoy your own demise.

hate to say i told you soooo.

fall out people

what will today be like? so many new things to learn and observe. This voice in my head who tells me i cant wont shut up. why cant a person just crawl into a cave and be overtaken by his fears and failures. is this what taking drugs ultimately leads to. too many people these day take pride in their attempts to fuck their lives up beyond repair. i do not feel pity for those who are to insecure to face themselves and others. alcohol is a cop out used by a lot of this world. hide your fears and insecurities and have another one. after all, you wont be affected, this could never happen to YOU! my failure is my friend. i can think of no better teacher than my bad decisions and fucked up thoughts. so for now while i sit wondering what i am really missing out on i will conclude that as well as being my own teacher, you will make my mistakes for me and for this is thank you....

believing is seeing.

inconsistency is your word of the decade
emotions are you abused wife.
what you think is all in your head.
the need to be surrounded and noticed.
where do i come into this situation?
separation of thoughts and actions.
rules and regulations do not exist for those who do not see them.

for once in my short life certainty would be accepted.
this big cloud of pauses and shorts looming above my decisions.
continue on your righteous trek through the doubt and empty space.
your guide can only travel with you for so long,
until i am a whithered dusty chair.


how long can you convince yourself you know better?
this blissful state you float along in.
easily blaming the first pair of eyes your gaze upon.
who will be the person to stand up and push you over?
you may only be 5'7
but it is a hard lonely fall....

i care because i am deAD?

who says?

i am right
we are wrong
we are right
i am wrong
who is to say what has already been said? say it to who said this has already been said.
backwards
forwards
forward
backwards
moving left
moving right
moving right
moving left
up
down
down
up
smile
frown
frown
smile
frown.
running away
running towards
running towards
running away
falling
falling
falling
falling
dont let this be your light

dont let this be your life.

over acheivers

who says it is worth it to try to be a good person?
what makes these qualified individuals so divine?
i say live according to your knowledge.
karma is more false than the governments facade.
something is with us,
we reside in its shadows.
cast out,
until light was just a folk lore.
to be content, you must contend to be.
the good people are losing helmsdeep to mortdor....
where did man kind get sick?
...this illness that prevails in everyones heart.
those blessed enough can turn it down.
little white pills won't save us now....