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an open letter to you.... brendon masters

please do not give your heart away again

even to angels.

please don't believe in a future

just be there.

please don't tell someone your whole story

they don't care.

please keep good to yourself

it's all you have.

please don't read that

which you're not meant to.

please travel, and grow,

by yourself.

please be everything to everyone

except that certain role.

please don't kill yourself

someone already tried.

please wake up

 .........but my hopes have died..

Updates::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

my writing especially shows signs of wear.

like the glaciers forming valleys...or carving your favorite walls to climb

i am at peak production due to inspiring events...mostly of a sad a nature

this will continue for the foreseeable future...

curses

there is a fierce pressing on the keys
when desperation is the left over emotion
a serious chance to exude
and a last moment for closure
one that eludes me...even to the early hours

a smile that keeps me exposed
in limbo, floating, and rag dolled, all at once.
a given up, hopeless kind of word

ill go running and know you're not watching
and go typing and know you're not reading

my heart was always a commodity
and upon which
rely gains and losses....

from which i emerge....economic in nature.
yet biologically stunted,
unsuitable for markets
and showing no profits...

this is when dissolving might be the best choice,
yet no matter where i go, or look....
your face can haunt me in the most lonely of place/
and remind me that I have lived...once upon a time.

careless

social life and pursuits of the anomaly

such a pursuit
such a struggle
when we look for connection
but only find walls

why would i ever leave
when i found the walls to encapsulate me
you can fight the good fight
until you turn bad
then there is no fight
just strife
and your everyday routine

i hope one day you read this
and see that i was real
and that the only doubt was left
in your court
and on your steps


where you chose seeing is believing
and believing..well......
....fuck you...

4 am compay

when you believe something, is it ever bound to be proven wrong
like people who say there is no man in the sky or burning bushes, or untouched virgin
does that sway the believers? possibly planting new ideas....new futures
if you think water will kill you, will it?
im losing my faith, without much of a fight

when the latter finally sinks in, is there a re-structuring?
a swift effort towards this golden calf...
the new way, we were silly in the past.

im spending these sleepless nights molting,
mentally sweeping away our images
and unsteadily believing in making more.

so much so
that I am writing 3 am propositions,
tactless fuck-its
mostly because
i am feeding the pyre
of apathy.

to my friends:
tell her why
to my enemies:
tell her why not

Loseitforawhile

that one time we drove to alaska

fees paid in full

pictures seldom do pain justice

i packed hard today...going down a hill into some sketchy asphalt...ughh

last night i watched PLan B and that video left me wondering why I stopped pursing that life

today life sure loves its irony.

weekend crowds

this is where i come to expunge you

...when I am desperate to tell you

how much i miss you

I won't give in and you'll never hear it again

but I hate life in all it's forms 

without you

a double blessing, freedom in disguise

a forced realization

and here i am

whenever i have that urge,

to tell you i need you

i will come here and worship my own false pretense

and ideas of what creativity might behold

and still...

falling short of expression,

stuck between purging and hoarding

yet, strikingly aware

that i continue to sleep alone. 

i surfed today for the first time in a bit

oceanside was sick, and i got some fun ones.

but theres always this bullshit worry waiting for me at the shoreline......

yar

fucking haircuts man....

quitting for good

quitting is good
giving up is better
letting go is nice
relinquishing is helpful
dying feels fine

all to experience the uplift of progress
and a smile that is anchored in calm seas.
im glad you culled my smile out of your life
it was more than for you

now i find my stride and you will too
out of our lives and into a new
a good story, and a lucky chance happening
bringing together two adventuring people
for just a short moment in time.




im starting to feel this weight begin to lift

and it can finally feel real

you know how women can be,

made up their mind, when they're venturing with an idea

leaving you essentially behind, where they made their decision

i think it's cool you have such a calm demeanor, let's see your finger tips

but this is what you wanted, and so it shall be.

I used to have episodes of night terrors.

camila would tell me in the morning that I would sit up in bed and start frantically repeating "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, like something was chasing me

i would always say i was surfing huge waves...but i to be honest, i don't remember.

then i would ask her questions like " do you like westerns? yeah...you like westerns" (still asleep)

fuck, sleeping is vulnerable.

how could i ever feel comfortable sleeping next to a stranger knowing that at any moment i could bare my soul, or include them in my dreams...sheesh
lonesome nights abound..

i have other funny sleeping stories, but since i have no one to remind me of them, they will have to wait.


on a side note....my dreams have been quite terrible these last few months....when a certain character fails to show up for the casting call, maybe my nights will become a little less terrorized, until then...ill stay awake..

well wishes

today i said goodbye to an old friend
i say old friends but we only know each other 2 years deep
that's a modern day lifetime, i guess
we live in such disposable times, and this sense of ending
is in our dna now

i particularly thought this one friend could be a life-long friend
someone to confide in, for years to come,
a true soul stirring connection...

but as you may understand by my bullshit above,
the idea once again flies over me like military jet planes
deafening, intimidating, and surely not for me.

see ya round friend.

through the wash...again

it's one of those days where death and revival seems imminent 

another listless waste, and finally the lack of closure becomes solid

i said goodbye and your calm was impressive, possibly premeditated.

if only i could have known what it was that made you go. 

i know that I am a lot to deal with, but I guess I can believe my darker side,

the one that was telling me I would ruin it all along. 

reaching for the stars

over coming adversities is a tough lot

this is what i've been trying 

parting the clouds

this is about micro dosing..because i know you're afraid of links

there is potential here....

more later...

sprouts

i have been exceptionally distracted by this whole relationship game

i put a lot of hopes and dreams into my last endeavor.. and i'm glad i did.

love hard when there's love to be had, but don't make it your whole meal

i feel dumb for actually believing i had met someone who shared wanting to grow old together

i really wanted that...

but when you fall from the nest, there's no way you can get back...and i was pushed.

more blessings in disguise...

this whole post is to laugh, and tell,

can i be a nutritionist? I sure can try

will I trip into love again?

you bet not

will i continue to see new places, meet new people

and explore new horizons??

......





at least i can feel strong now, i sure have been in a low state...
the struggle continues.


more photos from previous endeavors:

humboldt skatepark?

lonerism

these days i realize things about myself.

i speak mostly of being very solitary...by choice or subconscious, by lack of exposure

 after researching other well known loners it seems that there is something to be gained by shunning people.

sometimes on weekends i imagine the crowds of people gathering around alcoholic memories, and attempting modern bonding techniques, throwing money and their freedom at the effort whole heartedly

for me, i don't agree with false pretense, egoism, wasting money (jewish heritage) and other unwritten agreements we make to be seen, heard or believed

you'll never find me in Pacific Beach, scamming blondies caked in make up and drowning in perfume.
i am no white girl lifeguard.

but you must know there is always another side...

Such loners have several stress-inducing strikes against them: They may get butterflies whenever they have to face in-person encounters, and they are subject to outside pressure to be sociable. When major life problems crop up, loners are also less likely to seek out social support.John Cacioppo, a psychologist at the University of Chicago, has highlighted social isolationas a health-risk factor on par with obesity and smoking. "Loneliness is like hunger and thirst—a signal to help your genes survive," Cacioppo says. "When you're lonely, there's a stress response in your body, and it's not healthy to sustain that for a long time."

found from aqui


here are some of your favorite  people

In exhile

i think ill stay here..

whew this is a bullshit post...party on...

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More terrestreality

this place was cool....the road leading to the forest had a angle  between 40 or 50 degrees so our little wagon at times seemed like it was going to go straight back down the hill

 Fray Jorge Forest is a, an hydrophile forest from the quaternary period. this is how the Atacama Desert was during the last glaciation, around 30.000 years ago, when the humid forest reached very low latitudes.