shinners

it feels like there's been someone here
someone poking around
eyes have been on this room
and these things inside

visible finger prints
and smudges from a viewer
with perfect hygiene
and the curiosity of a cat

the hair on the back of my neck
tells me you are on your way
to places that I have always seen
where I wanted to go

i have the typical skate wounds
the open lower back
the shinner, sore wrists

and this might be my future,
a life of simple pleasures
and a head kept down
hard at work

your effortless is your magic carpet,
and I always felt natural.....

for god sakes....shut the fuck up with your sadness.... and stop rhyming!!

today was the first day in my life i didn't eat a scrap of food.
my appetite has been replaced and the stomach muscles inside of me
laugh at sustenance.

drink your tears, close your eyes
give away any feelings to try

i wrote you a letter to sew up my mouth
so my heart wont hurt so much
when my mind turns south

i can't even articulate
staring at the stars
hoping you're watching
but knowing your far

we might be soaking
our pillows each night
but that thought alone
does not lessen my fright

i don't know worlds we lived
they seem so far
my dehydrated body
would like to step
in front of a car

maybe with the promise
that ill finally sleep
and give up on this memory
upon which i weep

you

I cant accept our situation
even if  your beautiful voice
tells me it's okay
it's not
love could never wait
and surely never ressurect
what once was a beacon
for how love should unfold

i cant
i wont
i hurt
without you

and everyone knows
partly because i put it for the world to read.


and for that
im sorry

but ill never let go,
because you said one day....
we'll be okay,
but i can't trust life will provide.

and i need your reassuring feel
that touch that says i'm not so dumb
and my childish ways
might be a key to your heart.

if there was ever i time i wanted an audience
it is now,
an  audience of one....

is all i really ever wanted,
but i have to let go, without holding fast,
to the thought
that our love
was set to last,

procession

beautiful pain
like a tree engulfed in flames
waiting to sprout seeds.
the wails of a fiery death
harmonizing with the cries
of stirring life

shivers and shakes
chattering teeth
juxtaposing the summer's hospitable discourse

I have been given a canvas to paint life
but I don't know what to do
I have been released from rehabilitation
to gain independence in a jungle of pretense

My perception is as bright as the light at dusk
for finding something you lost,
but aren't sure where along.

I don't know if I can do this.
I don't know if I care to try
There's a body I feel like i'm leaving
left out to die

Numerical Comfort

He sits on his hands

while she sleeps on her feet

theyre making amends

but not making ends meet.

the glare of the sun paints their hair just the same,

a love meant for glory

not so forcefully steeped in pain

if it was going to happen,

the sky would tell us for sure

if shes looking up at it

his eyes are on the floor

the answers the same

the questions never a bore

a love set for sail

but traversing the shore

a little work would settle the tides,

a method of conference 

would lift the prides

of two souls

meant to stay

on track with another

until the end of days.

i love you
were just kids on holiday

Where I stand (so small)

I am sitting and waiting for this huge experience to reach temperature within me
I know it's coming, the smiles have debts
the memories have late fee notices
I am behind on my payments

I know it's coming,
patiently just waiting for the right song
or thought

To begin the cascade of release,
a final salute to the news of the day
the headlines scream about the loss of subscribers
but one in particular

While the cigarettes in my pocket
laugh at my feeble attempts of an old self
to wake up to a new horizons

filtered explatives

there is just so much weight in our carelessness

so much at stake and so many let down acquaintances

all hoping to live through you and i

belief that happiness is 5 feet tall, and a smile away

it must be strange answering for me

when the last thought you want to have 

is about me

i said we'll never be

only to get you thinking twice

but as the words left my tongue, 

my future turned a little less chilean

and a lot more uncertain

where this leaves me

i dont want

crying to songs of prior lifetimes

but relishing the same hopeless future

i wonder what you think of

embraced by independence and 

blind commitment,

lived

left

learned.

While I wait

I am encountering so many obstacles now that your love is finished. So many opportunities to perfect calm, and denying a reason to panic. It's time for seclusion its my one word prescription for release from your doldrums. I love you so much I read our old conversations to feel companionship. I remember our highs and shrug off the lows that accompany every lesson. Sets I wear on my head. Rips that keep me stuck and swept out to sea. I won't look because I know what's there. Your golden baby and a perfect future vomiting results. I want to tear you apart to show you my dedication, but all I have is this bottle of barley wine and a dead battery. Alone. Drunk. Stranded. The bakers receipe for perfect sadness and a load of acceptance. I want to move to chile just to know you have a reason to come. Even if you never would. I need to tell myself I matter if only to save myself from jumping off this ledge. I'm desperate for attention and out of ideas. Maybe you're no different or maybe you're charmed, either way my homemaker failed. Stoned. Unaware. Passable. Thoughts you'll never read. places you'll never know inside of me. Tonight I drink to falling asleep without tear stained cheeks 

fresh audience fatigue

these days i press delete on almost 89 percent of what i write

only to quell the loud resentful voice, or so i imagine

but the drought of epic proportions among my literary counsel

must be because i am different.

young features distort an aged mind. 

the mirror becomes your worst accomplice. 

but inside, you feel it, the slight uphill incline 

that wasn't there before.

you kind of introduced me to myself.

you allowed me to open up 

and find who I have been looking at

or for.

into that mirror that keeps telling me

time is slower than the measurement. 

highlighting the prescription for futures.

as we close this door 

 

history, happening

there is a stillness in isolation that cannot be found anywhere else....with the exception of the bottom of the ocean.
where am I after all of this?
older
bearded
blogging....ugh


little notions give me glimpses into my progress...or lack of
i don't want this to an ink well
i dont want this to linger
but life has become intertwined with the golden locks of your hair.

this feeling is like looking over the platform before sky diving
everything says no
but i just say go
into another wonderful memory.