so this is a little something to inform the last half of this story. there is so much to it, that my nervous abdomen hasnt stuttered like this since fucking
well lynn did her thing and left my brother and i a house in tucson. after about a year i was able to sell it. a few trips out, mostly solo. driving long distances in unmarked areas will give you time to float. so that time will probably be wiped out of the memory box.
i woke up and refreshed myself on some joseph campbells work this morning. a muddy constellation of who has been what along my journey. did he have to use the word hero? any way i digress, i got the house sold, her estate 'wrapped' up and cleaned out the house that long ago i was never to set foot in. the similarities in seeing the way lynn and her parents lived next to my grandmother teresa.....that was a a bit of a jolt. probably as much as smelling, seeing and knowing my moms blood and body was spread all over the walls and the surfaces of the items i had to touch and be responsible for...again...way too fucked up for me to even.....blahhhhh
for the nectar: if lynne couldnt offer proximal motherly love and strength, then 100k plus worth of capital at age 30 can be the love that will get me through.,.and, oh did she know i would need it.
fuck maybe i even earned it...
it's a choose your own adventure style thing, paint your own reality. not me, you
so yeah, i got paid, but if you think shit storms dont follow and grow in multitude of zeros and their increasing number then youve never been there.
gain one lose one, take one leave one. pull one thread and your whole world might come settled down. brown eyes women and red grenadine.
so yes, things go ary, mostly within my family unit. words like greed, selfish, angry, righteous begin to find common use. sure i am guilty, but you have to believe that my intentions are and were well. i do my best as you know dear reader to always come to and from things with love...does it work? am i writing in a invisible blog on the internet? yep.
i guess i should update you on other matters too, teresa is 87 these days... she lives alone with another roomate who loves to watch tv and eat fast food. his name is jim. i always imagined her aging into a sweet little lady, but oh my has the opposite taken place. her favorite move these days is to become angry over some understanding and then call her friends on speaker phone talking about how big of a jerk i am...and if i dare start out the day quiet or within the confines of myself, that is the biggest offense " well there is zero communication these days" thanks terrie! she can find someone else to cook, clean, grow food for and maintain the yard. for free.
my father gregg is 67 and lives in south lake tahoe with his girlfriend who fucks other guys to get what my dad is ill equipped to be able to provide...and i dont even think its the physical part. emotional support is like an unending orgasm, and when you get a taste of it....i dont blame her.
should i have just said that? probably not but its kind of a great over arching picture of who he is.....
plus this is an invisible blog on this internet.
squeak my cat of 15 plus years also went to other realms around these days. i dont remember the day but i remember everything that happened on that date. oh kitty, you were and are still so helpful. <3 div="" nbsp="">
anthony my brother is now living in new york facilitating his girlfriends dreams. i have no clue what to even say about any of that other than cool. he is around 3 years older than me and means a lot to me. he means so much to me that the ways i try to show him how much i appreciate him and love him make him feel the opposite. hmmm.... i come from the action camp....i like to show my appreciation. rarely do i voice my gratitude. allegedly. i cant help but juxtapose that to the frantically excited youth that was told to calm down all the time. the term big brother is foreboding and imposing for a reason. there is a lot of ego to maintain.
again, im drifting and my lucid point about what has happened since my mom died could be summed up like this
i took place in an ego death ceremony with psylocibin around june of 2017
i found peace and understanding within my mothers absence and why it was the way it was
love, compassion and empathy are the elixir of this journey we are all on
love for those who have hurt you
understanding for those who refuse to understand you
compassion for those changing their locks
empathy for those who turn to drown their sorrows.
this whole post was curated by a 3 am text message from my grandmother telling me i am not welcome at her home anymore. likely pursued by my dad who is generally threatened by my actions and projects heavily on to me what he sees in himself. the ole if ya spot it, ya got it.
he in threatened because he has spent his whole life living in his own shadow. he was the product of shame and misinformation as you would call it today. his father denied him and his mother fled from him. he has been burning that cross ever since, reliving the same loop of abandonment and betrayal, and it has peppered his whole life, and will continue to as long as he dedicates a portion of his heart to that quest. understanding. make space for love and it will fill what you create.
my brother is the mirror image. he is increasingly drinking and becoming alcohols biggest advocates and soon to be important purveyor of. the lifestyle, the tma, just wait world, we're drinking mai thais while this bitch burns. trying to be seen as an equal has been the undoing for our relationship. i essentially no longer function as the little brother as i refuse to go back to that life. the above might give you and a reason and a cheering not to. so yeah, he needs a dog, the best thing for the person who has the world already figured out while drowning the mystery. yesterday the grateful dead caused one of our biggest and likely final blow outs to date. the three of us, roaring at each other. telling ourselves we want to get along.
its time to look at this with real, tiger eyes.
goodnight and good bye
thanks for reading
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