hokey pokey

doin the hokey pokey
turn yer left foot in
and your right foot out

thats what it's all about..

im moving back to southern california after what some are claiming an 'unsuccessful attempt' (crying laughing face)
i blew it,ruined it, missed the boat, and flanked the friends
i made promises and leaped from their vulnerable petals
im a sham, an easy taker, a fuckin try hard.
and what did i even accomplish?!?! heavens!?! sake!!??
how could i not see the opportunity that was trying to seduce me?
the visions of grandeur that i didn't have..
well...fuck me...now that im done, maybe i can start (sarcastic guilty assurance face)

the above is what i've been told. not only by myself...
going back to demise, and grandmas boyhood.

i commiserate with those who have expressed this view to me, yet i pause to consider their dusty, often times down trodden projector, in desperate need of a tune up, and a fresh roll of film.

so here is my general goal out to the great listening, blog reading force of the earth.
i want to, i will, ....
grow the food my family and i  eat. (no grocery store. anymore) (soil improvement/ food forest ultimate goal)
study horticulture/botany and create profession/life through this medium
continue traveling and incorporating passions into destinations
cut my family and i's consumption of gas/water/electricity in half (if not more)
begin exploration of farming to friends and family...small scale csa/seasonal varieties/surplus


this is my goal, and the reason the haters can hate
and the helpers can help

junk

feeling better/knowing who/whatyouare

can i give up yet? can i rewrite the rules that i hold myself to?

can we change the rules? can we legalize pain

........i called the sun the moon

and exclaimed my excitement to see it during the day

only to be reminded i was blind.

hit the ground running? pack up life and leave it in the backseat?

i have experienced so many forms of loss

that my life might just surround the thought

and my actions might hoard the inevitable. 

this is not for you, or them, or even us.

this is self preservation in a glass menagerie, 

thoughts to keep my soft tissue brain 

from melting out my nose.

what happens to a goal, or meaning

when the definition becomes antiquated....

usually what i work for, and whom i work for

turns out to be what i want to work against.

and the leader of the band, is me.

i didn't vote, i didn't put a last second instagram post declaring my support for the covert racism, i didn't even protest. im trapped inside myself, my room, my body and my memories. im trapped inside being defined by outside results, and the concrete is drying.

i never wanted to believe i would end up a sad, sorry shell of a person such as the womb i come from,

but environment will always support, or degrade subjects unfit to survive..

so i leave my strength, my wits, my rights, my wrongs, my thoughts and fears....

i leave them to rot, and turn to dust...to decompose into a new form...

an idea, a person, a cause, a waste, the pheonix that took to escalator....

gales

everything in life creates waves.

highs and lows, and mostly middle grounds?

coming home from such heights has proven to be tough,

the mental sphere is a fragile one,

ideas are like water, subject to drying up.

not to mention human conditions...like mine

and those who of the same blood.

do you reason with the drunk

or roll them over each night?

for the best of times

i went to indonesia. yet no photos to prove
i went with a girl but she turned out to suck ( not that kind)
bali is incredible. scooters. reef waves. uluwatu. padang padang
sheesh it's all so overwhelming.

Canguu to keramas. canguu is a fun sandy reef setup, similar to a perfect cardiff. probably as many kooks, maybe more.....yet no one smiles in the line-up...?

keramas has a heavy vibe, the wave was so so while i was there but the shallow water, suspect volcanic reef and crowd made it less than desirable. caught a few rights, but considered myself lucky to escape without having to scrub it kook. not shortly after i read about bali's communist years, when thousands of balinese on the east side of the island (keramas) were massacered for political belief. Bodies thrown into rivers, streams and even creating human islands floating off the shore..... maybe thats why i wasnt having it. Beautiful ride paddies though

running around on scooters was the most empowering part aside from 8 foot uluwatu. i used to think i was cool for being able to ride my bike through sf...ha.....ha....give denpasar a go around rush hour or during a monsoon rain and then stroke yourself...

after keramas was kuta/uluwatu/sanur

this whole part was highlighted by surfing...holy holy holy

uluwatu is a zoo...(zooluwatu/ schooluwatu/ newluwatu/ too many names to list
walking through the caves....it's all surreal. even all the noise on the cliff. (warungs. surf rentals. kitchy tourist shops)
and fuck....everyone surfs these days....from russia to fucking ohio.

i stopped wanting to seem like i was there for surfing. if you're wondering I brought along a 7'4 fineline.....holyholy

so after seeing the madness at the main point i decided to paddle alllllll the way up the point to a wave that looked insane, but had no takers....lucky me

turned out to be the best wave of the trip. perfect left point with tricky tube sections. best part was I WAS ALONE!!!!!!!
side note: i took light amounts of lsd each morning :)

shredding alone at a perfect wave with what felt like my most capable tripped out self....thats why i came here.

i surfed for three hours by myself laughing my head off.,,thanking mother nature, and myself and brian hilbers and gerry lopez and my family...fuck it was a gratuitous moment....

from this moment i learned i am okay. the world is home, and if you wear a smile, you might be lucky enough to spread some aloha.


i returned to this wave 3 more times, each time with a few more people, apparently it's called "lurches" but shhhhhh keep uluwatu crowded!!

i also surfed padang and impossibles....holy ahhhhh. point breaks and hulls and shallow water....oh my it was good...one of the best parts was that i didn't have a date with the reef...maybe i wasnt crucial enough....but i saw more than enough 'shred dawgs' who were going to have to make love to some lime.

the trash situation in bali is awful. heart breaking. the locals don't give a shit either, saw one to many balinese throw out cigarettes, bottles. fuck anything.



im still jetlagged. my return flight home is a whole other story, but heres a teaser/ hint

when you lose consciousness at the ticketing counter, theres a good chance they'll bump you up to first class.

part two coming never....

put a stake through em

i have been known
to let down
to let go
to give up

to hold tight
and smother

i have been shown
to let down
to let go
and to give up

to clench tight
and suffocate

i have been quiet
been loud
been as an unnoticed
as a passing cloud

posi sauce

i quit my job..almost...tomorrow..

and then i go into a new space :)

sorry im a piece of shit.

lead poisoning or something

cocaine and vodka 

old lives, and yeah.