fees paid in full

pictures seldom do pain justice

i packed hard today...going down a hill into some sketchy asphalt...ughh

last night i watched PLan B and that video left me wondering why I stopped pursing that life

today life sure loves its irony.

weekend crowds

this is where i come to expunge you

...when I am desperate to tell you

how much i miss you

I won't give in and you'll never hear it again

but I hate life in all it's forms 

without you

a double blessing, freedom in disguise

a forced realization

and here i am

whenever i have that urge,

to tell you i need you

i will come here and worship my own false pretense

and ideas of what creativity might behold

and still...

falling short of expression,

stuck between purging and hoarding

yet, strikingly aware

that i continue to sleep alone. 

i surfed today for the first time in a bit

oceanside was sick, and i got some fun ones.

but theres always this bullshit worry waiting for me at the shoreline......

yar

fucking haircuts man....

quitting for good

quitting is good
giving up is better
letting go is nice
relinquishing is helpful
dying feels fine

all to experience the uplift of progress
and a smile that is anchored in calm seas.
im glad you culled my smile out of your life
it was more than for you

now i find my stride and you will too
out of our lives and into a new
a good story, and a lucky chance happening
bringing together two adventuring people
for just a short moment in time.




im starting to feel this weight begin to lift

and it can finally feel real

you know how women can be,

made up their mind, when they're venturing with an idea

leaving you essentially behind, where they made their decision

i think it's cool you have such a calm demeanor, let's see your finger tips

but this is what you wanted, and so it shall be.

I used to have episodes of night terrors.

camila would tell me in the morning that I would sit up in bed and start frantically repeating "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, like something was chasing me

i would always say i was surfing huge waves...but i to be honest, i don't remember.

then i would ask her questions like " do you like westerns? yeah...you like westerns" (still asleep)

fuck, sleeping is vulnerable.

how could i ever feel comfortable sleeping next to a stranger knowing that at any moment i could bare my soul, or include them in my dreams...sheesh
lonesome nights abound..

i have other funny sleeping stories, but since i have no one to remind me of them, they will have to wait.


on a side note....my dreams have been quite terrible these last few months....when a certain character fails to show up for the casting call, maybe my nights will become a little less terrorized, until then...ill stay awake..

well wishes

today i said goodbye to an old friend
i say old friends but we only know each other 2 years deep
that's a modern day lifetime, i guess
we live in such disposable times, and this sense of ending
is in our dna now

i particularly thought this one friend could be a life-long friend
someone to confide in, for years to come,
a true soul stirring connection...

but as you may understand by my bullshit above,
the idea once again flies over me like military jet planes
deafening, intimidating, and surely not for me.

see ya round friend.