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.....................................................                          i don't want to be okay

....................................................                           with anxiety

.....................................................                          but  

.......................................................                        i get older

........................................................                       and

.............................................................                  fear

..................................................................             gets louder

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the frequency of these posts are the joke unto themselves.

snow in cairo

rain in sf

the world is nuts.. or maybe we haven't been watching too long...

 and over analyzing our results.

when i meet someone new, the last recommendation i give will be this blog.

oh you've reached your end? join me

i guess this feeling of stranger danger to my own voice..could yield some results...sums and stuff...you know..

im at the age of committing legacy suicide...the acceptance that you can't necessarily wish yourself into importance.

but who or what is important

memory is like sand.....every beach has their own grind..and not because..

so i keep myself in isolation because it's what i know

i know what i practice

and i guess it's strange to put lipstick on this pig

isolation in crowded areas might as well be considered invisibility 

im not busy

so were balls deep into the holidays
and santa is about to blow his end of the year load
and i am going to add another tick on the second

thanksgiving was a blur thanks to a long lost new friend
lots of hotels and alcohol and learning about the northern bay communities..and the people who call them home.


what have you missed?

i can be me again
surfing. skating. drums and other limber or not activities

this will be my first week back to regular duties

maybe i wont be me for long.

i have a bicycle i ride to work everyday...neat, intriguing...challenging...lance armstrongs...its got it all..


i went to baja with too many other friends
it was cool, the water was not. the waves were unique
the drive was sick
i might just go there and be

my family is keeping busy on their pursuit of the attainable..i love them.

i surfed rincon for the first time...it was fun....better than baja...haha...

ive been playing the drums like a mad man, but a weekend warrior mad man.. and occasionally weeknights.

i also discovered a gem on thursdays where thomas pridgen plays for free...row....

anyway here are the things you didn't come here to see.

this new year should be an interesting one. i have a few sticks in the fire. and by all means i am ready.

  sick waves breaking out to sea!

whoa

back into it like i never left.

but was shown the door at an inopportune time

a basic dance for this basic bitch

simple pleasures for a simple switch

i liked it before

but i love it now

the fact that you're gone

and free to have more

keep your smile with you

and the safety in stride

when life reaches out

on the outgoing tide

you will wish you had waded more

and taken a chance

because youll have what you want

sans romance.

to me

she is like a scab

that wants to be ripped off,

an extrovert wound wanting to bleed

kissing girls

wouldn't it be nice

to know how well it seems

that we do from outsider perspectives

the world says youve got it together

but your stumbles might hint

theres a wobble in the stride of a tree

and when you find out

it will have been much

much 

too late.

usuality

today i saw someone get hit by a van

its moments like this that i am confounded
my thoughts wonder about their own reactions.
'poor guy'

maybe this is all to teach me to take nothing personal

after all im quite sensitive
and will over analyze your hello
or goodbye
or fuck you

im fascinated by the dynamic of city life
and repulsed
and confused

in two years this city will push me out
and replace us
with affluent tech geniuses
 so ill get my taste now.
before the milk gets too sour

and the dirt packs too hard

more settlements

im still injured

and ready to bring it up

i need some serious break time, 

or tlc

the waves have been so good

and these glimpses of coming events

causes it to hurt even more

still trying to find a place by the sea

slowly figuring out technique

when it comes to immovable objects

tomorrow i play the drums.

maybe even try to put on a wetsuit

im still so confused by city life.

juggling is not my forte

nor in my interests 

but i keep finding people and things who spark my interests.

and that's cool

pondering ponds

i want to know:

will i ever stop trying to get in my own way?

will i ever drop everything and just do what i want?

am i doing what i want?

will i ever find dreams and futures im attracted to?

am i really uninterested in establishing an image?

would i know an opportunity if i saw one?

could i feel emotions the way they're sent?

might i be looking in wrong places....

for items and people i don't want?

do i really express authentic gratitude?

do i make people feel like they matter?

should i just give up and disappear?

or step into the spotlight and steer.





moving is like jumping off a cliff

and telling yourself, there is a pool of water below
even though you can see one.

a pool of people, who influence the surface of the water
from ice to room temperature.

no more bruises

i don't think i fit into city life

all i can think about is escapism.

and wondering

why can't i just enjoy the moment

...being in pain

...wondering if this will last forever

tomorrow i will try to be in the present

because tonight 

im wiping away my blood

from today

best claim ever

wilko needs digestive enzymes

first timer

i really did a number on my body already working this new job
140lb coffee sacks all day, not really, but i brush up against them at least once a day
buckets and barrels in between them....not the kind you want though.

i need to learn to ask for help. and just how to do that
so for the last going on 2 weeks....no surfing...no skating...
just working and laying in a bed with ice...my new muse.

but this is where it gets good

i woke up in the hospital yesterday

after playing buckets i tried to stand and i guess triggered my vagel nerve?
i felt super back/side pain and took a nap
right on the side of jfk in golden gate park

people saw me and called an ambulance
and apparently i even had a couple people compliment me...

but i also had angels around
i somehow gave a person my phone number and keys
and they moved my car for me back to where i was staying.

hollllllyyy fuck

as i lay in bed icing my back

its time like this im so happy that no one reads this shit,

phew

downs

im starting to feel outmatched up here
the competition and the sheer detachment
from what is really going on
maybe im the clueless one.

so much talent and privledge
playing for the wrong team
and so much in front of them
to make me sick.

whole lot of noise and food

some of the sights and sounds that brush against me everyday

heavy stuff, light shit, human shit

3 mile mornings and 9 pm bed times

it is neat being in a place with so much competition

because it has me eyeing the whole game

i <3 alone="" p="">

)kittyface(